Life is miserable if you make it so. And that doesn’t even take a concerted action. All it takes is not paying attention for a couple of seconds in which direction you let your life drift. A couple decisions here, a couple decisions there. Not saying “no” more than three times and voilà: your life now resembles a pile of shit that you always thought you abhorred. All the dreams you once had, all your interests, all your talents, they all went to die in the corner. And not for an instant do you stop to reflect on where you’re headed.  Until it becomes too much to bear. You’ve gone too far now you think and you can’t go back. Pressure is building up for you to finish what you started, hell what you didn’t even know you started until you were in it up to your knees. You have constructed this image of the exterior world in which everyone expects you to do precisely that one thing you don’t want to do. So you wake up a little later each day, it becomes a little harder to get up each day, you grow fatter and wearier each day. No one ever stops to ask you whether you feel comfortable in what you’re doing, because they too are stuck in the path that they haven’t really chosen but which has chosen them, too busy handling their own bullshit. And you get bruised, you start drinking to take the edge off, you hear depression rearing its ugly head in the back of your mind and like Baudelaire’s spider it takes hold of your skull and doesn’t let go. Poison everywhere. You want to break things. You’re too weak and too tired to even throw a vase out of the window. Anyway, you need to keep going. What will they think otherwise? And who exactly is “they”? Right, that construct that doesn’t exist. If you change paths now, all that is going to happen is a couple of nods of acknowledgment, paired with disbelief and an immediate shift of focus back on one’s own bullshit for fear of being led astray by the possibility of alternatives. So why don’t you do it? What’s holding you back?

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