I had a million reasons to feel down. I had a million reasons to want to drown. But then there was that one reason to resurface and breathe air. You were standing there!
I can’t take my mind off you. Try as I may, nothing can keep me from my hands drawing your silhouette. I take a finger, dip it in lavender oil and draw you on a sheet of paper, wet. I hang it up outside to dry. It rains instead. On the paper, the lines get blurry, your shape gets washed away, but your lavender scent lingers.
I was sure I wouldn’t find you at home. But there you were, the sheets messy between your legs. I had been gone all day longing to be there with you. You had been home all day longing for me to stay away.
Yet I can’t take my mind off you. The way you smiled at me, not considering it betrayal. The way you explained to me why I was lucky. The way you fixed me dinner, still smelling of another man. The way I said nothing all evening. I didn’t rush out, I didn’t shout, I didn’t cry. I just watched you and in my mind I drew your silhouette again.
I possess nothing, not even free will. But you chose to stay and that says it all. So when I was under water and I had to make a choice, when the light reflected upon that sea of blue and I saw you, there was only one thing I could do: survive, breathe in air, breathe in the scent of your hair, just like you: be there, be bare.
We’re vulnerable, you know I am not the perfect fit. But for perfection a single person is ill-equipped. It is rather the sum of many that may approach an all-envelopping delight. Try as we might, a single person’s never enough for our entire life.
That promise to love is a promise to be aware of imperfections: our partner’s and our own. If you can’t be hurt, you don’t have to forgive. You just love. And so I draw your silhouette in the sand and watch the sea wash it away. You may not always be there, but you’re there to stay.