It’s especially hard on days like these. It’s especially hard when you’re backed into a corner in a wide open space. When you’re sitting at a table with plenty of delicious food, but no matter how badly you want to, you can neither move your arms nor your head. When you try to avert your eyes even though no one would notice if you caught a glance because no one is looking your way anyway. When you feel invisible and you’re kind of glad because you didn’t manage to take a shower or change your clothes. When you disgust yourself but you can’t change anything about it. When you stare into the mirror for 20 seconds, then rush out of the bedroom and onto the couch because you don’t want to be what you saw and you don’t want to see what you saw. So you lie down and close your eyes, hoping you will vanish into thin air. You try so hard to just dissolve, but you’re solid: flesh and bone. How can you feel so empty and so heavy at the same time? How come yesterday was different? How come today there is just no time? No time for standing up, no time for eating, no time for getting dressed. Just too little time. Or too much. Because the day drags on. Because you just want it to be over. All of it. As soon as possible. You don’t want to feel. You just want numbness. But you’re human and thus doomed to have the odd emotion. So sometime around 10 pm, you finally get up and make yourself a cup of tea, in the hope that it’s a magic potion. Or acid. At this point you can only imagine two states of being that would be worth it. One of them is not being. The other is being perfect. One of those is a possibility. The other is not. And you realize that you have no choice. Not really. Either you are and you try to accept everything that you don’t like or you call it a day. But that’s too messy. You don’t want to inconvenience anyone. So you just stay put on the couch and you bury your head in the pillow. It feels warm because you’re breathing. You hate that. So you throw the pillow to the other end of the room. Now you have nothing to hold on to anymore. The remote will have to do. But no matter how often you press the power button, you can’t turn this off. All of this is here to stay. Forever and a day.

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